The Death of Mary Sue 2: Hogwarts edition
by CreativeSprite
Summary: Ever wanted to see Harry's sister get stabbed to death? Want to see Snape's daughter get ripped apart by monkeys? The sequal to "the death of Mary sue", this time our favourite hunter travels to Hogwarts to give every mary sue the death they deserve
1. Death on the Hogwarts Express

Alex grumbled and tried to straighten her hair.

"I-bloody-hate-this," she grumbled and the dog she named Sirius barked.

"You're not helping," she snapped.

"Um, miss?" Tobey started.

"It's Alex,' she told him trying to straighten her shirt. "Ark, bloody collar..."

"Yes, anyway, why are we at platform 9 and ¾?"

"Because there have been a number of high sue-sightings in this area," Alex gave up on her hair and started looking around. "And I need to kill something."

Tobey's eyes widened and he leaned away.

"Seriously, I've been through puberty once, I don't see why I have to do it again," she glared.

"So how young did they make you?" he asked nervously.

"Sixteen. They could have at least made me _half_ vampire but no, Mac says it's too risky to play hybrid characters."

"Why?" Tobey asked. "It could make you stronger, give you an advantage over the sues."

"Because JK Rowling never really described her vampires so we don't know enough about them, we'd risk breaking the cannon rules. And it could make us targets for freelance hunters, ones that don't work for the SSU. These hunters are the worst because they've never been through training, especially the training that teaches them how to tell sues apart from other characters. Untrained hunters tend to kill any female character that is pretty and popular with the boys, and if she's a hybrid of any kind it doesn't help."

Then Alex remembered she was supposed to be teaching Tobey about sue hunting and asked him a few questions.

"Now Tobey, how could you tell the difference between a sue and the girl I just described?"

"Um," he thought about it for a few seconds. "A healthy character can still be attractive and popular as long as she has flaws."

"Such as?"

"Fleur," he said in a whisper. "From Goblet of Fire. She was beautiful and popular and she loved her family but she was a little stuck up. It wasn't a random flaw, since it was probably a result of people sucking up to her all the time. She could also be blatantly rude sometimes as she criticized Hogwarts while at the same time going on about how great Beaubatons was. Mary sues can be stuck up the same way but the difference here was that JK Rowling didn't expect everyone to love her."

"Very good Tobey. And why are freelance hunters so dangerous?"

"Because they focus on the character's strengths without looking at the weaknesses, and often attack characters who aren't sues, or sues that can be rehabilitated."

"Very good Tobey," Alex told him, scanning the crowd.

"I don't see any of them here," Tobey told her.

"True." Everyone she could see were pretty average looking. "Most sue writers tend to skip this part, we'll see more on the train. Usually every compartment is conveniently full so she can find an excuse to sit with Harry." Alex rolled her eyes.

Alex, Tobey and Sirius boarded the train once they'd checked out the train station.

"Are you sure he's allowed?" Tobey asked. "I mean, the letter said a cat, an owl or a toad only."

"And JK Rowling negated that rule when she gave Ron a rat. Trust me, with all the wolves and unicorns the sues are bringing in, no one's going to notice a dog."

Suddenly, Sirius's nose was in the air and Alex nudged Tobey.

"See that? He's caught the scent."

Sirius started barking and pushed his way through the students.

"Sirius!" Alex hissed. "Slow down! Get back here!" She gave Tobey her trunk and told him to find a compartment for them and she rushed after her dog.

Sure enough she found him slobbering all over a stunning girl with _"brilliant flaming locks of auburn"_ that went down in ringlets. Her eyes were _"glistening gold with emerald flecks"_ and rather than black, her pupils changed colour like tacky mood rings. Hunters were trained to see the words used in a sues' description and each word hit her in the face like a slimy dead fish. Alex didn't even want to look at the sue's dress which was _"strawberry pink satin"_ and had ruffles and lace and beads. The sleeves were big and puffy, and there was dark pink lace around the hem. She wore little white socks with pink shoes with butterfly clips on the shoe laces. Alex made a face, it was clearly written by a twelve year old who spent her free time playing dress up.

"Oh," the sue made a sudden noise, her _"delicious cherry lips parted as she spoke, with a voice like an angelic nightingale."_

"Is this your dog?"

"Sure he is," She smiled. She didn't want to talk to the sue any longer than she had to but it never hurt to be polite. "His name is Sirius."

"Oooh, Like Sirius Black?" She asked, her voice full of admiration. "I have a unicorn call Sunshine!"

_Bingo_ Alex thought. _That was the Author speaking, a normal Harry Potter character wouldn't say his name like that, since he's supposed to be a dangerous criminal._

"Close, I named him after the star." Myth had it that Sirius the dog had been the hunting companion of Orion the hunter, and so it was a name that suited her new hound perfectly.

"Oh, okay. I'm Cherriellabelle," the sue stuck out her hand for her to shake, _her perfect pink nails glittered in the sunlight._

"My name's Annabelle," she gave the sue the false identity she had been given back at Headquarters.

"That's pretty," Cherriellabelle nodded approvingly.

"So's Cherriella, I'm jealous."

The creature giggled. "Most people can't say it properly. It's pronounced cherry-ella-belle. My full name is Cherriellabelle Tiffany Crystal Lisa Marie Presley Prescott Mary Bella Moonstone, but you can call me Cherri. I'm looking for Harry, have you seen him?"

And idea came to Alex that made her smile with genuine joy.

"Um, no. But why don't you come back to my compartment?"

"No, I really should wait for Harry," Cherri insisted stubbornly.

"Oh there'll be plenty of time later. We can find him at the sorting."

Cherri looked at her suspiciously.

"Not that I'm like, interested." Alex flicked her hair and giggled like a fan girl. "I'm far more interested in..."

_Damn it, think of a Gryffindor guy._

"Seamus!"

"Seamus? The Irish guy?" She sue wrinkled her nose. "He's like, not as hot as Harry..."

"Like, I know, right? But his accent is _so_ cute." Alex giggled sending a silent apology to the entire Irish nation. She glad that the hunters had all been taught how to speak fluent sue. She secretly studied her prey, according to the handbook sues were more likely to be themselves around other sues. If she thought she was fan girl like herself, she might open up. It worked.

"So, lyke, if you're one of us why didn't you make yourself prettier?"

"Because I didn't want _every _guy in school after me, just Seamus." Alex fluttered her eyelashes and giggled again.

"Soooo true," the sue giggled again. Alex wanted to spew.

"So, like, do you want to come and sit with me? We can find the guys later."

"Sure! We're lyke, going to be best friends!" Cherri grabbed Alex's hands and jumped up and down giggling. Alex followed suit as enthusiastically as she could. The infamous Mary sue mating dance, where the sues discovered a "super-duper best friend" and man-hunting companion.

_We sound like chipmunks on crack._ She thought angrily.

"I'm soo glad to have a friend!" Cherri said as _"a tear like pure liquid diamond"_ trickled down her cheek. "My life has been so tragic I am happy to have a friend on whom I can truly depend..."

"Oh tell me about it." Alex meant to say it as a dismissal, but Cherri took it as a literal invitation.

"My mother died when I was a baby and my father worked all the time and he was never home." Cherri's eyes glazed over as she told her story. "And our butler was very cruel to me. He made me do all the servant work and used to beat me if I didn't do everything he said. He would lock me in the attic too and said I wasn't lady like enough because I didn't like to wear dresses. My only true friend was the servant boy Jonathan who worked for our family, when the butler starved me he brought me food and soon we were in love. When the butler found out he..." Cherri took some time for a dramatic sniff and a wail. "Killed him and buried him in the backyard. Then he beat me almost to death, I ran away and I came to Hogwarts..."

It wasn't the worst sue story Alex had ever heard, just more of the same old crap. Cherri started sobbing and Alex put an arm around her awkwardly. Of course Cherri didn't get a snotty nose or blotchy eyes like a normal sue. Only a sue could cry and still look pretty, the bitch.

"And now Harry will fall in love with you and you'll be happy forever."

Cherri sniffled and nodded. "He'll love me, I _know_ he will."

"Of course he will," Alex smiled and led her to the compartment Tobey had found for them.

"Ooh, did I tell you I can also heal people?" Cherri told her and Alex fought a groan.

Cherri was still chattering about her "tragic past" and was telling Alex what she planned on naming the thirteen children she and Harry were going to have once they got married. As soon as they entered the compartment Tobey had secured, Alex clamped a hand over Cherri's mouth and wrapped her other arm around her body, pinning her arms to her sides.

"Hmmmm!" Cherri protested.

"Oooh, don't worry sweetie, this'll be over _real _soon." Alex purred in her ear. People always told her that she enjoyed this too much. It wasn't enough to just kill them, she enjoyed their fear and loved to see their pain. It was scientifically proved that Mary Sues had no soul, so it technically wasn't murder. She had been an assassin before she was a sue slayer, she had killed plenty of times before. She had always enjoyed a bit of blood, even before she became a vampire.

"Tobey, get the window," she said quietly. She could have laughed, this girl obviously wasn't a warrior sue. She was struggling, but not good enough to escape.

Tobey opened the train window and they pushed the girl through kicking and squirming. Alex waved and blew her a kiss as she fell, and she looked on with Tobey as she was crushed beneath the wheels of the Hogwarts express, her blood splattered all over the train tracks and her tacky _"strawberry pink satin"_ dress was stained with the red goo as her body was broken and battered, and her head split open like a watermelon under a sledgehammer.

"Is it always that easy?" Tobey asked as they sat back down.

"Not always, she wasn't expecting an attack and she was a damsel-in-distress sue. Sues like her always rely on the lead male character to rescue them and we got her just in time. We also got to her before she got to know anyone, no one will notice her missing."

"So does this mean we go home?" Tobey asked.

Alex shook her head.

"Not unless we get a call from command." Alex sat back. Sirius trotted over and put his head on her knee.

"Fat load of good you were."

Sirius wagged his tail and whined.


	2. Meeting the sues

_The snow was stained red with blood as she stared down at the corpse, the head lay three feet away from the body._

"_Very good Kitten," his voice whispered in her ear. His arm was locked around her waist and his lips pressed against the back of her neck. _

"_That was quick, compared to what I wanted to do to him." She walked over to the head and picked it up. "I have to take this back if I want to get paid,"_

Alex woke up with Tobey shaking her.

"Wake up, we're almost there."

"Arg." Alex got up and stretched like a cat, glad she'd entered the world wearing her robes. Why had she dreamed about him? She missed him, but that had been years ago, another life time.

"Sweet dream?" Tobey asked. "You had a smile on your face."

"A dream about an old friend," she said vaguely.

"I forgot, you were a vampire right?" It was the first time he hadn't looked scared about what she used to be.

"Yeah."

"How old are you really?"

"Somewhere closer to forty," Alex confessed.

"So, how did you become a slayer?" Tobey asked.

"I-I was hunting them on my own, a professional hunter found me and brought me in."

"Who turned you? Into a vampire, I mean," Tobey asked but Alex stayed quiet. "Sorry, I suppose it's personal."

"Yes, it is." She said sharply and she stood up. Tobey kept quiet and followed.

There were more boats than usual crossing the lake that year, probably due to all the "newcomer" sues. And unfortunately, there was one of them in the boat with Alex, Tobey and Sirius.

"My name is Jessica Penelope Katherine Emma Alexandra Bella Rosalie Alice Esme Claire Aro Renee Leah Jane Billy Jacob Renesmee Black!" she chirped. She had _"curly onyx locks"_ and _"eyes like the summer sky."_ Her kitten Starr was black with a white star shaped marking on her forehead.

Alex was moody and quiet, staring ahead.  
"Are you here alone?" Tobey asked Jessica. She shook her head.

"I'm here with my twin brother! Edward Jasper Emmett Carlisle Jacob Sam Quil Embry Seth Paul Charlie Phil Billy Harry Ron Severus Albus Sirius Black. Our mother was French and we're transferring from Beaubatons..."

That was funny, given her flawless American accent.

"Would your father be Sirius Black by any chance?" Alex asked, without really looking at her.

"Uh ha, mama explained it all to us, how he was really innocent."

"Uh huh," she gave Tobey a look.

"How was your old school?" he asked her.

She started sniffling.

"There was this teacher, he was really nice to me even though I got bad marks. He wanted to meet me in private, he said he'd thought of a way for me to get better marks, and he said I could get better marks if I slept with him, what I said no he...eekkkk!" She shrieked as Tobey pushed her into the lake. One of the Giant squid's tentacles rose out of the dark water and snagged the splashing girl, pulling her under. There was silence and one of her disembodied arms rose up to the surface.

"Good work Tobey," she said absent mindedly.

"Are, are you alright Alex?" he asked.

"Oh yes, I'm fine."

Alex was moody throughout the sorting, though she noted some of the sues, including "Harry's long lost twin sister" and the infamous "American exchange student" amongst others.

Alex was sorted into Slytherin while Tobey was placed in Gryffindor as planned. She was sitting next to one of the new arrivals. She had _Shining platinum hair_ and _the beautiful innocent face of an angel._

"Hi, I'm Alex." She greeted her with a fake smile on her face.

"Hi!" she chirped back in _a voice so sweet it resonated throughout the ages._ I'm Draco's sister."

_Oh good god she's one of those._  
"What's your name?" Alex asked sweetly. "I'm afraid I missed it during the sorting. I was um, too busy checking my hair."

"Totally, you don't want your hair to get messed up! I'm Gwendolyn Mary Poppins Alice Rosalie Bella Swan Julie Andrews Simba Narla Esme Dumbledore Malfoy!" she seemed only too happy to tell someone her "super special" name. "I might come from an evil family, but I'm really not that bad."

"Then why are you in Slytherin?" Alex asked grumpily, she could feel a headache coming on.

"Because my brother is," she battered her lashed _with "framed her stunning emerald eyes edged with silver." _"I really wish I could be in Gryffindor with Ron!"

She could never understand why girls went for him, especially since Ron had been a bit of an arse in the books. Well so was Malfoy and that didn't stop them.

"What about you?" Alex asked a Goth/Emo sue sitting across from her. Her _beautiful raven locks_ and her _piercing crimson eyes _caught her attention.

"I'm Persephone," she told Alex in a dark voice. "My full name is Persephone Raven Esmeralda Dark Wolf Riddle."

_What the hell?_ Alex thought. _Are these writers even trying anymore?_

"But you can call me Persephone, or Raven."

Alex turned to the guy beside her when "Raven" started talking again.

"My life has been nothing but darkness and pain, and I've been cutting myself since I was four." Then she narrowed her eyes. "Not that I'm telling _you_ anything, mind your own goddamn business!"

"You need to smile more!" Gwendolyn chirped. "I know! I'll sing you a happiness song!"

Gwendolyn's angelic voice rang as she sang a high pitched note, and several small birds perched on her arms Snow White style.

"Can I kill her?" Raven asked Alex.

"Not here, too many people around." Alex told her. "Then you get arrest and then there's this whole big hassle. Trust me."

"I'm Arnold Roberto Gerald George Harvey Satan Evil Dude Smith," the emo guy sitting on Alex's other side introduced himself. He had shaggy black hair and nail polish. He continues talking in a monotone voice. "I also cut myself. My life has been a bottomless pit of pain..."

"Are you guys related?" Alex asked Raven. She nodded.

"He's my cousin."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Don't worrrrryyy, be happpyyy!" Gwen continued to sing. For some reason, no one else at the table noticed.

"This is going to be an interesting year," Alex muttered. She glanced across the table and saw Crabbe made a face before spilling half of his pumpkin juice down his shirt.

_Wait a minute, _she thought. Mary sues never seemed to both with Draco's bodyguards, they always seemed to mysteriously disappear in sue stories. Could they be any help? Maybe while everyone else was acting out of character, they were among the few people to keep their heads because Mary sues never bothered with them. Not that they had a lot of brains to start with. Even Jk Rowling didn't seem to pay much attention to them...

Gwen started singing "always look on the bright side of life" from Monty Python's _Life of Brian_, while Raven and Arnold gave her murderous glares in between moaning about their "horrible darkness pain filled lives."

"Arg, kill me." Alex muttered into her hands.

"And reeemmmemberrrr that the last laugh is on yooooouuuuuu!" Gwen put her hand on her shoulder.

Suddenly Alex had a very bad feeling.

_Dammit Mac owes me big for this._


	3. The girl who lived

"Wake up!" A shrill piercing voice filled the air. Alex woke up with Gwen jumping up and down on her bed.

"Urg, again, why is she in Slytherin?" Alex muttered and shoved her pillow over her head.

"Beats me," Raven yawned.

_She's not too bad._ Alex thought. _She has potential to be a normal person if she looked less like a cover girl and dropped the Voldemort's granddaughter emo bullshit._

Usually Alex liked to stab and slash her way through sues like someone in a low budget zombie movie, but it was her duty to report any sues who had potential for rehabilitation. She would save Raven for last and talk to her. Gwen was funny, but she would have to go, she just liked the attention to damn much to change.

And Arnold? So far Arnold hadn't shown any signs of being more than a two dimensional cardboard cut-out.

They were sitting at breakfast when Gwen's snowy owl landed gracefully on her shoulder.

"Good morning Luna!" she cooed. Luna hooted softly and glared at Raven's pet crow Hades, who was eating bits of toast and eyeing his mistress's nose ring.

Arnold continued to sob into his cereal, like a broken record. Yep, definitely a clique. It sometimes happened to characters if their Authors didn't bother to develop them, or abandoned them half way through creation.

"We need to set him up with someone," Gwen said gently.

"Who?" Raven asked sarcastically. "One of the House Elves?"

"That's not physically possible, silly," Gwen scanned the table. "Pansy?"

"She's with Draco dipshit," Raven sneered. Gwen shook her head.

"Not for long, not will all the others hanging around..." She looked at Alex and quickly clammed up.

"The other sues, you mean?" Alex asked. It was a gamble, but would she win? Gwen's mouth fell open.

"Are...are you a...sue slayer?" Her voice went high as she panicked.

"No," she lied. "If I were a slayer I'd hardly risk blowing my cover now would I?"

"And if you were a slayer you wouldn't exactly admit to it," Raven said suspiciously.

"If I were a slayer I wouldn't bother talking to you, I would have burst into the Great Hall and killed all of you with an Invisibility Cloak and an M16."

"Then what are you?" Raven asked. "No offense, but you don't exactly look like one of us."

"I thought about it," Alex smiled sarcastically. "But they way I see it, it never pays to stand out so I became a background character, that way I don't risk an unpleasant chat with the slayers."

"But, like, don't you want a boyfriend?" Gwen asked dismayed.

"There's so much competition, with you lovely girls around no one's going to notice little old me. Besides, I'm ok without a guy. I just got out of a relationship, not quite ready to move on."

Yes, that seemed like a good excuse.

"Oh you poor thing," Gwen cooed. "We should fix you up with someone nice!"

Alex and Raven rolled their eyes while Gwen recited a list of names. Then all the guy's head twisted in unison and they looked to see what was happening.

A girl glided between the tables, she was breathtakingly gorgeous, like a statue come to life. She had _"flowing tresses of liquid gold"_ that went down to her butt, _"seductive violet eyes"_ and _"skin of finest porcelain."_ Her eyes locked onto Alex's for a moment and then she glided over to the Gryffindor table and sat down. Alex noticed that all the other sues seemed rather put off.

"Who is she?" Alex asked Gwen.

"She's Celeste," Gwen whispered, her voice was full of awe and fear. "Celeste Victoria Ophelia Jasmine Emerald Sapphire Rose. She was the top of the academy, came first in all the classes. I guess you could call her the Queen Bee."

"She's the strongest out of all of us," Raven told her. "We could all only seduce one guy at a time, she could make a whole room fall under her spell."

"Speak for yourself," Gwen put a hand on her chest. "_I_ could seduce at least three."

"Doesn't she have to worry about the sue slayers?" Alex asked. She wanted to know why no one had taken her down before. "I mean, she's a bit obvious isn't she?"

"She's killed all the hunters who have gone after her. She says it's fifty but I think it's closer to ten."

_Ten._ Alex's blood went cold. Ten good hunters had died trying to bring her down. She had to warn Tobey.

"Wait, there's an academy for you guys?" Alex asked.

"Yep, only we're not supposed to remember," Raven told her. "They do something to us to make us forget that we're not the characters we were assigned, but for some reason Gwen and I remember the academy. I think we're the only ones. We don't remember everything, it's just flashes."

_Oh great._

"What class do we have first?" Alex asked. She would deal with Celeste later, if she managed to convert Raven they could try taking her down together. She didn't want to face Celeste alone.

"Potions," Raven told her. "Don't worry, Celeste doesn't take that one. She likes to avoid as much actual work as she can."

Next they had potions with the Gryffindors. Alex hoped that she could use it as an opportunity to catch up with Tobey, but that was impossible with Raven and Celeste handing around. She saw him sitting next to Neville as well as a pretty girl with _"deliciously soft curls the colour of acorns"_ and _"lovely violet eyes." _A ShyGirl sue probably.

Mac had decided to enrol Tobey as a sixth year, because even thought he was fifteen he could pass for older. Professor Snape came into the room.

_What the hell?_ Alex thought. _Shouldn't Slughorn be teaching this?_ Then she remembered, a lot of writers wrote about the students in their six year before Half Blood Prince came out, so in many of the stories Professor Snape was still teaching the subject.

Another sue squeezed in between Alex and Gwen, she was a Gryffindor girl with _"Inky black hair" _and _"emerald green eyes."_

"This is Ariel Fiona Genevieve Monique Amber Rose Potter!" Gwen squealed excitedly. "We grew together and we're, like, best friends!"

"Potter?" Alex asked.

"Oh yes, I'm Harry's twin sister."

"Why haven't I heard of you before?" Pansy asked suspiciously, poor Draco's brain was fried from all the Mary sue energy directed at him and didn't say a word.

"Oh you should know that, silly!" Ariel laughed, her voice_ "tinkled like chimes in the summer breeze."_ "I'm sure Dracy-poo's told you all about me!"

Pansy looked like she was ready to strangle her.

"Enlighten us," Alex asked with a smile. "I'd love to hear all about you."

Those little words always worked like a charm for sues, especially the more self absorbed ones.

"Oh, the night our parents died Voldemort took me away with him, he told me I was his daughter and that he'd been in love with Lilly Evans. That's why he'd tried to spare her life the night she died..."

"Bullshit!" Raven coughed into her fist.

"I was raised with the death eaters and they trained me. Draco and I practically grew up together. Harry thinks I was rescued but he doesn't realise I've been secretly given orders to kill him..."

Alex felt like groaning, _why_ didn't authors think things through? Surly there was a better way of stating a character's past or goals without them saying it out loud. In the highly unlikely circumstances that would happen, the last thing an assassin would do is blurt their mission out in front of people, no matter _who_ they were.

"Good luck with that," Alex looked at the board and focused on the lesson.

"Did you hear her?" Raven snarled the moment class had ended.

"Yeah, isn't Voldemort supposed to be your grandfather?" Alex asked her.

"Yes, my mother was conceived before Tom Riddle became Voldemort. JK Rowling said Voldemore never fell in love, but she didn't say anything about sex."

Alex smiled. A sue with a healthy respect for cannon was as rare as a albino elephant.

"One of the rules of the academy was that no two sues could have the same back story or family members without being related. If you want to be Dumbledore's daughter then fine, but if there's a girl who wants the same thing then you have to work together and say you're sisters. You can't say you're his only daughter if there's another sue who says she's his daughter as well. There are plenty of sues who want to be Harry's only sister, or Sirius Black's only child, but they're not allowed to be inserted at the same time."

"But only you and Gwen remember the academy," Alex reminded her.

"Yes, but we all set up our characters and family members and that when we're in training, before we graduate and get inserted into the story, that bitch!"

"Don't worry, maybe you'll get lucky and the slayers will get her." Alex was already planning it.

Raven paused. "You know what Alex?"

"What?"

"Sometimes I wonder if we did this the wrong way."

"What do you mean?" Alex asked curious.

"Well, this whole sue thing isn't as fun as I thought it would be. I loved the idea of the power, having guys pay attention to me for a change instead of my prettier friends. I wanted to be feared, I wanted the power and respect I just couldn't get in the real world. I always loved the books and thought this would be the chance of a lifetime. But this doesn't feel real somehow, like it's just an illusion. I don't know Alex, but sometimes I feel like we're all just little girls playing dress up. Like this is a dream and we're going to have to wake up eventually. I think I should've done whatever it is you did, just sign up as an ordinary background person."

"Don't you hold any love for your fellow sues?" Alex asked innocently.

"God that was the worst part, I envy the girls who can't remember training. The whole time I wanted to just scream at them to get away from me, they're so friggin _dumb_. They're all beauty and no brains."

"Then why not switch?" Alex asked. "Become a slayer."

"Because some of these girls are kinda my friends, Celeste might be deliberately manipulative and bad but a lot of these girl are just innocent naive twits who thought that this is what they had to become to get boyfriends. I don't want to kill them and I don't want to spend eternity fighting some war."

_Well there goes that idea. _Alex thought.

"I'll tell you what, when this is all over I can have you inserted as a background character like me." Alex offered.

"That sounds good, but what do you mean when this is all over?"

"I mean, we all have to graduate eventually, when all the other sues have married the guys they were chasing after and have children, we can get out of here and start over."

And hopefully once she got back to headquarters she could keep her promise. She could get them to wipe Raven's memory and have her inserted as an ordinary background girl, someone who wasn't anything special and certainly wouldn't attract any attention, especially not from the sue slayers. In the meantime she'd have to kill the sues herself with only a rookie for help. She didn't want ask Raven to kill her former class mates if she was unwilling.

"What about your cousin?"

"Arnold? I have no idea who he is really. That's how I know this isn't real and I don't belong here. I remember he's my cousin but I don't have any childhood memories of this world. Once I started thinking about it, that's when I started to remember the academy and who I really am. I think he's annoying, I wouldn't mind the slayers got him frankly."

"Oh, I feel the family love."

"I don't think he's a sue, or a stu or whatever." Raven said honestly. "I think he's a character created by an author rather than a real person who found a way to become a sue. Maybe he was supposed to be a stu, but without any kind of special skills or beauty he ended up in the background as a two dimensional cardboard cut-out. Most sues are and that's why they're sues but he hasn't got anything about him that makes him special. Whoever created him obviously didn't put a lot of effort into him. He's just like the same boring song on replay. It's kinda sad really."

"Then maybe the slayers should kill him to put him out of his misery," Alex said softly.

She finally met the infamous Celeste in transfiguration class as well as Summer Amelia Emily Rose Daffodil Cleopatra Ambrosia Woods, the long lost half-dragon love child of Professor Snape and Sirius black. She had _"Radiant Auburn hair"_ and _"dazzling topaz eyes."_ Her sue scanner identified her as a _"prankster sue"_. A rare breed, a sue who pulled a lot of pranks but never got into trouble for it. She was often praised for being funny, but all her pranks were boring and unoriginal and usually involved little more than gluing feathers onto people. The ones that were interesting were ones taken from movies or other fanfics.

"So how did, you know, _it_ happen?" Alex asked awkwardly. "I'd love to hear the story about how your fathers met."

"When they were at school Sirius thought it would be funny to turn Snape into a girl, but they ended up falling in love and Snape got pregnant. He was ready to be parent yet, so when I was a baby he gave me to the dragons who blessed me with their powers. Dragons live a really long time so I took a while to grow up and I'm older than I look. When I came here I found out I have a sister!" She introduced Alex to a sulky girl who had _"hair of darkest midnight" _and _"eyes like bottomless pools on a moonless night."_

"This is Melody Violet Marie James Lilly Heather Angela Snape!" Summer squealed excitedly. "I have a sister, isn't that the coolest?"

Melody didn't look too thrilled to be sharing her "father" with anyone.  
"So, any boys you like?" Alex asked.

"Father has forbidden me from talking to Harry Potter," Melody sulked. "He told me how his father was cruel to him but of course it hasn't occurred to him that Harry's different. But I'm in Gryffindor so it's not like he can do anything about it."

"And you?" Alex asked Summer.

"I already have a boyfriend," Summer told her. "Fred Weasly and I met in diagon ally over the summer."

_Poor guys. They leave the school and the sues still chase them._ Alex thought.

"Pansy my dear, I have a gift for you." Alex whispered in her ear after class.

"What?" she asked grumpily.

"Don't you hate having all these girls hanging around your boyfriend?" Alex asked. "Well I can do something about that."

"How?" Pansy asked.

"Well I don't know about you, but something seems very fishy about the Potter girl, I doubt she's even related to Harry. She's just some tart looking for attention."

"That's the thing, one minute Draco says he's never heard of her and the next he's going on about the wonderful childhood memories they have." Pansy replied.

"Well I've found her real family," Alex lied. "And they desperately want her back but they don't want to make a fuss. We can't tell everyone she's a fraud because she's put a spell on everyone so they'll believe her over anyone else. I'm going to quietly send her back to her real family but I need you to keep Draco busy after school, make sure he doesn't leave the common room for at least an hour or two. I also need one of his hairs."

"Are you going to do something to her?" Pansy asked. "I don't mind if you do, but I won't let you frame Draco for it."

"That's why you're keeping him in the common room, so there are plenty of witnesses around to say he was there."

"I don't want to risk it," Pansy replied stubbornly.

"Do you want to risk him leaving you for her or one of those other twits that have been sniffing around him?"

Pansy shook her head.

"All I'm asking you is to keep him busy. Keep him in the common room and no one came blame him for anything." Alex whispered. "Once I get her alone I'll wipe her memory of him and this place, and send her back to her parents. To everyone else here it will be like she simply disappeared."

"Why are you doing this?" Pansy asked her quietly.

"Because I like to mess with girls like her, people who live in a bubble and think they're invincible. There's something incredibly satisfying about bringing someone down, someone who thought they were undefeatable."

"I'll get you the hair," Pansy told her. "Meet me in the library ten minutes into lunch."

Alex used lunch as an opportunity to catch up with Tobey.

"What did you find out?" Alex asked him. "Who is there in Gryffindor?"

"There's at least six, and one of them is a Gary Stu."

"What do you know about him?" Alex asked.

"His name is Edward Jasper Emmett Carlisle Jacob Sam Quil Embry Seth Paul Charlie Phil Billy Harry Ron Severus Albus Sirius Black. People say he's the best quiddich player that ever lived and he's going to try out for the Gryffindor team."

"Why is that name familiar?" Alex asked.

"Because he's the brother of the one we pushed into the lake," Tobey reminded her. "He says he'll catch the fowl fiend who did it and make them suffer a death most fowl."

Alex sniggered.

"I know, he's very dramatic. He says the spirit of his sister spoke to him in his dreams and told him that it wasn't an accident."

"Oh great. Listen Tobey, after class I'm going to finish one off in the forest."

"I should come with you."

"No, this is a one woman job. At the moment I need you to stay in Gryffindor and study the ones there, I want to know who they're after, any canon characters they're related to and if they've got a tragic past. I don't think you should take on a sue on your own just yet. When we start going after the Gryffindor sues you can kill a couple, but only when I'm there, ok?"

He nodded.

"Good. I need you to tell Ariel Potter that Draco wants to talk to her and he'll be waiting for her in the great hall. She is not to stop or talk to anyone, she is to go straight there. It's vital Tobey, this plan won't work if I can't get her alone. I'm going to need Sirius this afternoon too, if this one can talk to animals I don't want the forest creatures defending her."

Pansy gave her the hairs and Alex spent the rest of the day preparing, class didn't really matter since she and Tobey didn't plan on staying.

She was glad that polyjuice potions were standard issue for slayers going into the Harry Potter world, there wasn't time to make it herself. It was then that she realised why Mac had refused to allow her to enter this world as anything other than a pure human. The potion might not have worked on a half vampire. She instructed Sirius to wait in the forest before she slipped into a broom cupboard and took the potion.

Thanks to her job, she wasn't unfamiliar to physically changing into another person, it was just the first time she'd switched gender.

_I'll never get used to being a guy._ She thought as she changed into a male set of robes she'd stolen. _Well here goes nothing._ She stepped out into the corridor.

_I can't believe I'm trapped as this Nancy git. _She'd never liked Draco and always thought he was a bit of a wuss and a mummy's boy.

She went to the great hall and found Ariel waiting.

"Hi Ariel." She tried to smile.

"Hi Draco!" Ariel cooed and fluttered her eyelashes.

"Would you like to come for a walk with me?"

"Sure!" she was practically bouncing up and down. She finally met the man of her dreams and he only had eyes for her!

"Great."

She put an arm around Ariel and led her into the forest. There was a joke amongst hunters that touching a Mary sue would give you their germs but this gave her the perfect excuse to whisper in her ear.

"You know I've been thinking about you a lot lately," she hoped she wasn't wrong in guessing who her target was.

"Really?" Ariel cooed awestruck as they disappeared into the trees. She tried to flutter her eye lashes but it just looked like she had a bug in her eyes. "I've been thinking a lot about you too."

"It's good to know that, the truth is Ariel I haven't been able to stop thinking about you." Alex let go of her and looked at Ariel face to face. Alex wanted to vomit but she knew the kind of thing the sues loved to hear. "I-I think I'm falling in love with you. I've always loved you Ariel ever since we were children."

_When this is over, I'm going to bite off my own head._

"Really?" Ariel looked up at her.

"Truly." Alex whispered in what she hoped was a stupid love sick voice.

Ariel threw her arms around her. "I love you too! I've loved you since the moment we met!"

Alex then felt a wave of nausea when Ariel smashed her lips into hers. It's not like she hadn't kissed girls before, just never sues. She smelled too sweet, like sugar on fire. Alex kissed her back to keep her distracted, vowing to gargle with bleach when she got back to the castle.

She pulled out the knife she'd been hiding in her robes and shoved it deep into Ariel's slim young body. She pulled the knife back out and Ariel stared at her with a shocked look on her face, her mouth forming a perfect O.

"But...why my love?"

"Because I hate you," she replied smiling. "I hate your guts. I never loved you. Nobody could ever love you. I've already got a girlfriend thanks and she's much better than you."

This was the moment that made everything worthwhile, the horrifying moment where Ariel believed that she had been betrayed by the person she loved most in the world. She hoped it hurt, like the knife she'd just shoved into her gut.

The sue sobbed and gargled as blood went into her lungs. Alex leaned over her and cut her throat. Alex laughed and breathed in the smell of blood. Even as a human she loved that smell, it was like the sweetest wine to her, a smell that held her spellbound and arrested her with its sweet seduction. She remembered the dark night the sue hunters had found her and offered her the chance to channel her urges and skills into something constructive.


	4. Summer's End

"The things I do for this job." Alex spat on the ground and wiped her lips like a little boy who had just been kissed by his mum. She turned to find Sirius standing over the body of a black unicorn whose coat _"shimmered like the night sky."_

"What is it with these sues and unicorns?" Alex muttered. She pointed to the body of the dead sue.

"Do something about that."

Sirius looked at her.

"Can't blame you for not wanted to touch her. Fine, we'll feed her to the spiders. Find the spiders Sirius."

The hound sniffed around at the ground and took off while Alex followed carrying the remains of the sue.

Alex made her way to Aragog's lair. Who of course was still alive due to the same reason Snape was still teaching potions, because Sue writers have no respect for cannon.

"We will not clean up your mess." Aragog clicked.

"Look, she's not a real student, she's not even a human. She's a sue."

"Wait, a Mary Sue?" The spider said outraged. "There was one when Hagrid kept me in the castle, she was trying to seduce the boy called Tom Riddle..."

Alex wondered if this mysterious sue was possibly Raven's "grandmother."

"I wasn't sure how much food you guys got out here, and I needed to get rid of this. So I thought we could help each other out."

Alex turned to see that Sirius had retrieved the dead unicorn. He plonked down on the ground and wagged his tail happily.

"Good boy."

"How did he do that?" Aragog asked.

"He's special. So what do you say?"

"I say...lets eat!"

The spiders descended on the boy of the sue and the black unicorn, and Alex took the opportunity to run, remembering how Harry and Ron had almost been eaten in Chamber of Secrets.

The polyjuice potion wore off before she left the forest and she cleaned the blood off herself before changing back into her girls robes. With Sirius on her heels she walked casually back to her castle and entered the Slytherin common room. Her eyes met Pansy's for a second and she saw the girl relax. She wondered if Pansy was still suspicious about her "sending the girl back to her family" story and then realised it didn't really matter. There was nothing Pansy could prove, and she couldn't try without incriminating herself. She caught the eye of a girl sitting next to Arnold. Before she left headquarters she had been shown profiles of the cannon characters who would be in her year, to make it easier to spot sues. In her vampire form she could smell them, but she had to make so with what she had. The girl sitting next to Arnold had hair _"as dark as the empty crevices of her soul"_ and _"eyes like a crow, dark and frighting like the eyes of the reaper himself."_ Oh wonderful, evilsue! She would deal with her later, she had enough sues to deal with at the moment. She mentally reviewed her hit list. Who next? She just wanted to kill everyone and leave, she certainly didn't want to hang around.

"They're involved," Gwen giggled in her ear.

"Who?"

"Arnold and Bella, silly!"

"Bella?"

"Belladonna Lestrange. The only child of Bellatrix and Rodolpus Lestrange."

So the two dimensional emo background guy was dating a sue? Well good for him, her death was going to be one more thing for him to cry about. It sounded like whoever created Bella had actually put some thought into her name, Belladonna sounded like the kind of name a pureblood family might have chosen. Going over the list in her head, Gwen and Bella where the main Slytherin sues left unless more popped up. They seemed to be breeding like flies, so she never knew.

Alex found Tobey in the trophy room with Summer Woods, the half dragon Sirus/Snape love child.

"Of course it's going to work, don't be a baby...hi Alex!" She chirped when she spotted her.

"What you up to?" Alex asked. What on earth was Summer trying to get Tobey involved with?

"Nothing!" Summer told her right before Tobey spoke.  
"Summer's planning a prank of Filch."

"Thanks for blowing our cover Tobey," she snapped.

"I have flatulence toads." Alex smirked.

"Flatulence toads, what are they?" Summer asked.

"They fart every fifteen seconds, the silent but deadly ones. If you turn them invisible and hide them in his office..." Alex trailed off.

"Brilliant!" Summer's eyes glinted with a mischievous light. "I know!" She continued. "We'll hide them in his office!"

"That what I just...never mind." She expected nothing less from a prankstersue. Most prankstersue authors took pranks that other characters did, took pranks from other stories and hoped that none of the readers had read that particular book, or just went with something stupid and clique like gluing feathers onto people while all the other characters stood in awe of her "creativity."

"Tell her about the ring," Tobey goaded.

"You should see my ring!" Summer held up her finger. Her face was weird and blank, but then again most brainless morons looked like that. On her finger was a flashy gold ring with a giant ruby on it, inside the ruby was a golden lion.

"The Gryffindor symbol?" Alex asked. Oh geez, what she going to be a "house founder's heir" sue as well?

"Welll, it's not really mine," Summer confessed. "I stole it, but it turns out it had a curse on it so whoever steals it gets followed by gnomes everywhere. I managed to change the hex so instead the gnomes do my bidding! Though they still follow me..."

She pointed over to a suit of armour where a gnome was hiding.

"People usually don't notice them."

"I bet." It didn't sound too far from the truth really, with all the animals wondering the castle who was going to notice a few gnomes? Anyone who saw them probably thought they'd escaped from a magical creatures lesson. She had to give her points for original thinking though.

"What about tonight?"

"Tonight?" Summer blinked. "Why not?"

_Why not indeed._ The ring certainly seemed useful, maybe she'd take it from her once she was dead. Sure it was cursed, but in a way she could use.

"So you have dragon powers, what does that mean?" Alex asked. She had to know what her strengths and weaknesses where, and sues where usually only too happy to go on about how special they were.

"I'm Imu- imu-."

"Immune?" Tobey suggested sarcastically.

"Fire can't hurt me. Plus I can breathe fire when I want to, I can also turn into a dragon as my animagus form. I can also talk to dragons."

So a sue who could talk to dragons _and_ gnomes? Well that was unusual.

_I'll only get one shot at this._ She thought. In a head on battle Summer could probably win, and at the very least she'd made Alex work for a victory. Her hunting style was to stalk her prey quietly and kill them when they least expected it. This was the key to killing Summer, waiting until she was vulnerable and killing her as quickly as possible.

_Now to get my hands on some farting toads._ Then she got an idea.

Alex struggled with the box of toads as she made her way to the trophy room, where she would meet Tobey and Summer.

Predictably Summer was wide awake and shining in all her Mary sue glory, while Tobey was yawning and running his fingers through his scruffy blond hair.

"Squee! You have the toads!" Summer hugged Alex and she tried not to gag. "So, lyke, how did you get them?"

"Trade secret." Alex grinned. "So which way is Filch's office?"

"Follow me!" Summer giggled and skipped down the hallway. Alex had a sudden thought that she would get along very well with Gwen.

"It's locked!" Alex feigned frustration.

"Let me do it!" Summer reached for her wand.

Alex whispered the words to the body binding curse but it just bounced off.

"Spell bounce off dragons!" Summer hissed. Smoke came out of her nostrils and Alex realised she had to do something soon before she changed into a giant fire breathing reptile.

Grabbing Summer she shoved her head into the box of toads, who since sunset, had been farting poisonous gas. Holding onto the thrashing girl by the back of her neck, she struggled to hold on as Summer fought. A dragons tail sprouted from her rear and whipped around but Tobey grabbed on and they held her down.

Eventually Summer stopped fighting and went limp. Alex checked her pulse to make sure she was dead.

"What do you think we should do with her?" Alex asked. Disposing of bodies was something each slayer had to face, but few actually considered it until their first kill.

"You said you fed the other one to Aragog, but dragging her out there is going to be a challenge."

"How about we just dump her in the lake?" Alex suggested. "No one will find her."

"Good idea."

Alex picked up Summer by the arms and Tobey grabbed her legs.

"So how many have we killed so far?" Tobey asked as they made their way towards the lake.

"Well there was Cherri on the train, Jessica Black eaten by the giant squid, Ariel Potter..."

"Eaten by Argog," Tobey finished.

"Stabbed," Alex corrected. "I used Aragog to get rid of the body. And the body of her stupid black unicorn."

"Black unicorn?" Tobey asked.

"I know, dumb right?"

"A few of the Gryffindor sues died," Tobey confessed. "Elliessa Snape..."

"Oh god, _another_ Snape daughter sue?"

Tobey nodded. "Long lost love child between Snape and Lilly Potter. She flipped her hair too hard while she was trying to get Ron's attention and her neck broke."

Alex sniggered.

"And Seamus and Dean's long lost love child from the future..."

"What?" Alex interrupted.

"According to that writer, male pregnancy is possible with wizards. It was a Gary stu named Deamus Shean Finnigan-Thomas..."

"Wait, you mean like Dean and Shamus put together?"

"Yes." Tobey glared. "Apparently his Author seems to think those two are gay."

"Tobey, half the _readers_ think those two are gay."

"Anyway, Deamus died of food poisoning when he mistook his shampoo for a milkshake. His best friends are Gred and Forge. The identical love children of Fred and George. They died when they started a headbutting contest and they both hit the wall a little too hard."

Alex made a face. "That author must have a thing for Male pregnancies, and incest apparently. So what about Jessica Black's brother?"

"Edward Jasper Emmett Carlisle Jacob Sam Quil Embry Seth Paul Charlie Phil Billy Harry Ron Severus Albus Sirius Black. One of the other guys killed him because he got in the way of the mirror."

"I wish I'd seen that." Alex sighed.

"Don't, it was stupid and weird."

Actually, she was having a fun time imagining two hot shirtless guys wrestling each other, but it's not like she could expect Tobey to understand that.

Alex and Tobey stopped when they got to the lake. Alex crouched down beside Summer's corpse and slipped the ring off her finger.

"What are you doing?" Tobey asked, his eyes wide. "It's cursed!"

"It could be useful." Alex shrugged.

Then she came up with one of her brilliant yet sadistic ideas.


	5. Deadly Nightshade

"OMG, I can't find Ariel!" Gwen barrelled into Alex before potions. She winced, was there anything worse than people who talked in chat-speak?  
"Maybe she's sick or something." Alex shrugged but Gwen shook her head.

"I looked in the hospital wing, but she's not there!" Gwen was almost in tears now. "There's only Deamus and a bunch of first years."

"Don't panic, I'm sure she's around here somewhere," Alex assured her, sounding bored. "Hey, wait. Did you say Deamus?"

"Yeah, Madam Pompy.."

"Pompery."

"Whatever," Gwen shrugged. "Anyway, she said he drank something he wasn't supposed to, she didn't say what. But what do you think happened to Ariel? And Celeste says that Summer left the dorms last night and didn't come back!"

"You know what Summer's like," Alex quickly though of something that would both explain Summer's absence and stop them from panicking. "She mentioned something about a prank on Filch. Maybe she tried to put an invisibility spell on him but it backfired and she's running around here somewhere. Or sulking, you know how she gets when a prank backfires, she doesn't show her face for a few days. And Ariel got rejected by Draco, she's probably sulking as well."

"Oh no, poor Ariel!" Gwen gasped dramatically like Alex had just told her the dungeon was full of radio-active spider monkeys.

Which, when they entered the dungeon, turned out to be true thanks to Neville messing up a glow-in-the dark potion. Alex wondered briefly if it was the author's idea of humour. Beside him was the "shy girl sue" Alex had seen in the first lesson. She didn't seem to be doing any real harm, so it wasn't urgent. She'd leave her for last, or perhaps take her back with her for rehabilitation. Like an under-sized mouse, she just wasn't worth killing, not enough of a challenge. It was worth more to her to bring her in alive.

Suddenly there was a scream.

Snape had cleared the dungeon of radioactive monkeys, but there had been one hiding under a desk. It had latched onto Melody Snape's face and it was eating her skin.

"ARRRRRR! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" She ran around flailing her arms. The other sues weren't lifting a finger to help and neither were the cannon characters.

That was weird.

The monkey tore into Melody's soft flesh, and as soon as her skinned corpse fell to the ground, it burst into pink flames leaving a puff of pink glitter.

Alex dragged Tobey into any empty cupboard once class was over.

"I have a theory about Melody's death." Tobey told her before she could open her mouth.

"Go on."

"Well, you know that sue authors sometimes write together, right?"

"Yeah, they each base a character off themselves and as long as they don't have the same love interest they can coexist, why?"

"Well, sometimes if the writers have a fight, the dominant writer sometimes kills off the other girl's sue as revenge."

"I see, so Melody's death seemed like a revenge killing to you?" Alex asked. Why didn't she think of that?

Tobey nodded.

"I mean, death by radio-active spider monkey? It was too random not to be Act of Author."

"You're right, but anyway. I really wanted to tell you about our little gay love child from the future. I thought you said Deamus was dead!" She hissed.

"I thought he was!" Tobey snapped defensively. "It's not my fault he's in a coma."

"You think they'd teach you guys how to tell if something dea- wait, did you say coma?"

Tobey nodded.

Then she had an idea.

"How private is his bed?"

"According to the latest author, the hospital wing is filled with private rooms."

Alex gazed off into the distance, her eyes glazed over as she contemplated the possibilities.

"Wait, you better not be thinking what I think you're thinking." Tobey glared.

"Why not?"Alex gave him a glare of her own. There was nothing this kid could teach her when it came to killing. "These creatures need to be dealt with in any way possible."

"They deserve to be dealt with honourably." Tobey told her. "They're not creatures, they're people! Deluded people, but still _people_."

"It's proven the sues don't have souls, or weren't you paying attention in that class?"

"I've been thinking, maybe it's something the slayers just say to make the killing easier."

"Sues don't have souls, because the author never put enough effort into them to give them souls, dumbass! Anyway, I've got work to do."

"You don't care either way do you? You don't care if it's a person you're killing or a sue, is it?" Tobey asked in a quiet voice.

"I've been doing this since before you where born, boy! So don't even try to tell me how to do my job!"

"Summer could have been rehabilitated, Alex! And you killed her!"

"_We_ killed her! So don't even think for a second about doing anything about it!"She hissed.

"I can report you," Tobey crossed his arms. "You're the supervising slayer, it's your responsibility. Killing is only supposed to be a last minute resort!"

"In the old days, a sue had to appear before a jury before being executed, but now they just send us in. We're supposed to be assassins. And you can't deal with sues honourably, the slayer would lose every time. The only way we could, would be to become sues ourselves to match their power and there is no point in killing sues if we turn into them. Tobey, we work for the SSU, Sue Slayers United. It's a branch of Defenders of Canon who have an alliance with the PPC, Protectors of the Plot Continuum. Killing sues is what our branch does. If you can't do this Tobey, if you can't kill without asking questions about it, then you chose the wrong job."

Alex left Tobey behind and dropped by the hospital wing. She found Deamus, in a coma just like Tobey said. It gave her a thrill to see her prey lying so helpless, with nothing between them. It had to occurred to Alex, and later to Tobey, that she could simply smother Deamus in his sleep. An easy slay. He couldn't be rehabilitated. Tobey was right about Summer, it would have been interesting to have known her as an ordinary person.

But there could be no room for regret, not for a slayer.

She picked up a pillow and strolled casually over to the bed, eyeing his _"dark ebony hair"_ and _"heroic muscles." _He was tall too, he almost looked like a Gary Stue version of Clark Kent, his author was obviously a _Smallville_ fan. She approached the bed quietly…

When his eyes slowlyopened. They were "sapphire blue orbs that shone heroically with promise of love and safety."

"Hermione?"

Oh wonderful, why didn't the Gary Stues ever go after anyone else? At least the Mary sues had a variety of guys to go for, though granted, there where more of them.

"She's not here."

"She mustn't know I'm here! I must see her!" He struggled to get up but fell back down.

"Oh that's sad. Look Deamus, she doesn't love you."

"That's not true! I know she does!"

"Look, Deam," she sat down on the bed.

"It's Deamus." He glared at her.

"No way Jose, as far as names go, that's just way too retarded."

"My name isn't Jose either."

…

"Has she ever said that she loves you?" she asked him.

He frowned.

"I'm sure it's just a matter of time," he pouted. "She's been hurt so many times she's afraid to love."

Curious, unlike the Mary sues, this Stu didn't actually seem to have the power to force someone to fall in love with him like the sues did. He merely presented himself as the "perfect" guy and waited for the magic to happen.

Then a thought occurred to her.

_He was written by a girl._ She didn't know how she knew, all she knew was that he was written by a female author, and one that obviously didn't know much about guys. Standard Mary sue tests asked if the author and character shared an age group/race/gender but personally, Alex preferred that young writers stick to what they knew rather than trying to write a character they couldn't realistically achieve.

"Look Deam..us. She loves Ron, those two are going to end up no matter what." It was stupid and pointless to break up couples sanctioned by JK herself.

Poor guy looked like he was about to cry.

"I know heartbreak sucks, but it's something we've all been through. It's about time you learn to deal with rejection like a normal person."

She got off the bed and put the pillow back down.

"What where you doing with that?" There was no suspicion in his eyes, just mild curiosity.

_Curiosity killed the cat._

She gave her most charming smile.

"Just…making sure you're comfortable." She tucked the pillow under his head. "There you go."

She left the hospital wing grumbling.

_Because a kill is never that easy, is it? _She felt like a cat robbed of a mouse. A big, dumb mouse. She needed to kill something, wanted to tear something up, watch someone bleed.

Then she spotted Belladonna Lestrange walking into the forest.

She smiled, it was her lucky day.

She followed her in, trying to look discreet. But Bella wasn't even looking around, or trying to avoid being seen.

Bella was wearing a _"long dark flowing dress, flowing like the black waters of the abyss."_ Because everyone knew a floor lengths dress was the most practical thing to wear in a forest. Alex discreetly slipped Summer's ring onto her finger.

The ruby started to glow and she heard rustling. Looking around she saw various gnomes hiding behind bushes, under leaves and behind rocks.

"Hello Bella."

Bella jumped.

"What are you doing here?" Bella glared. What was it with sues and glaring? Like they couldn't covey contempt any other way. Silly bitch probably couldn't even spell contempt.

Alex peered into the small basket Bella was holding.

"Ohh, what's this here? Hemlock, oak leaves, deadly nightshade. Naughty Bella, you wouldn't be trying to poison someone now would you?"

"What's it to you?" Bella, yep, she glared.

"I am like you Bella."Alex removed the mask she always wore, the mask of humanity and allowed Bella to see her for what she really was, a killer like herself.

"Evil?"

Well there went any hope that Bella's author had done any actual research.

"Let me guess, painful childhood?"

Bella was quiet.

"It's a true gift Bella, to have someone you can talk to. Someone who knows exactly what you are and won't judge you for it. We can help each other Bella."

"I was raised with the death eaters who used me for their own pleasure. I grew cold, stopped giving a damn about other people."

"Let me guess, you're here to kill Harry."

Bella nodded.

"But then after the first time we sleep together my frozen heart will melt and…"

Then she fell to the ground as Alex performed a jinx, similar to the body binding hex only the victim could talk.

"See here's your problem my dear Bella, you are not true evil."

"Yes I am!" She insisted.

"No, not really."Alex insisted. "See some writers decide to create an evil Mary sue to be different, but they don't really understand true evil."

She paused, this was a speech she had wanted to give in a long time, whenever she met an evil sue. She closed in on Bella and whispered in her ear. "True evil is the sadist who would rape his six year old daughter because he likes his girls young, the man who would see her cry and laugh, enjoy her pain. And then when she turns 16 and she gets too old? He turns his attention to her little baby sister who has just turned four..."

"Stop it! Stop it!" Bella cried, tears flowing down her face.

Alex just starting talking over her.

"True evil is the woman who watches all of this, and not only says nothing but helps him, stands there with the video and tape records the whole fucking thing, so he can watch it again one night when he's feeling a little down. Evil is the woman who cheats on her dying husband and kills her boyfriend so he won't tell..."

"STOP IT!"

Alex grabbed Bella by the hair and slammed her against a tree, her face just inches from hers.

"Evil is the single mother who murders both her children because her boyfriend won't marry her while she's got the kids around. Evil is the little girl who burns down her house with her family trapped inside because she didn't get the barbie doll she wanted. Now tell me, are we still curious about the dark side? True evil is so terrifying you would do anything to escape it, even if you have to kill yourself. True evil, you either run from it or embrace it.

Bella cried some more.

"STOP, I don't want to hear this!"

Alex grinned, and evil grin with no humanity in it. And she knew all about evil, didn't she? It was a label people had applied to her from time to time.

"And that, my dear is your problem. Some writers create evil characters to be different but in the end can't bring themselves to write true evil so they just stick to mildly nasty and _call_ it evil. There's a big difference between thinking of evil while sitting in a nice safe chair, and experiencing it firsthand. Oh, and a piece of advice? A truly evil character never described themselves as evil. As far as they are concerned, what they are doing is perfectly rational and normal. Even I do not truly think of myself as evil, the way I see it, there is no right and wrong, just humans and the silly rules and labels they stick by. You see dear Bella, I am free. I am truly free from all of that. I can do what I like without worrying about wether or not it's the right thing to do."

_Then why are you a slayer?_ She could see the question in Bella's eyes, but she was too scared to ask.

"Pitty, you where doing so _well_ until the part about your frozen heart melting like the wicked witch of the west in the shower. It is true that most murders have been through some kind of abuse. I might not have known you where even a sue. And you know what really makes me _mad?" _She banged Bella's head against the tree again.

" Writers who create these characters and they're perfectly fine, in fact they fall in love with a guy and sleep with him two minutes after meeting him. Now let me tell you something Bella, girls who have been raped DON'T DO THAT." She punched her some more. "Some may grow up and have normal relationships but not all, and only after years of help, they don't get over it in two seconds! Some may be promiscuous, but only because they've lost their self respect, not for pleasure or love. Some may be afraid to have sex because it reminds them of the abuse. Some get involved with drugs and don't live to be adults, some grow up and repeat the cycle of abuse, abusing others because it happened to them. Some grow up just fine, but it's not everyone. So your pretty little plan where you fuck the guy and he instantly heals all your emotional wounds is COMPLETE CRAP!" Alex yelled and banged her head against the tree again, loving the sound of her screaming. She wanted to get her knife and cut her up nice and slow, but they weren't as deep into the forest as they where when she killed Ariel, someone would hear, or see something. "And FYI, sleeping with a guy doesn't make him fall in love you, it makes you a whore. Sad, but true."

It was something she wished they taught more of in Sex ed classes. Too many girls fell for it, sleeping with guys because they were too naïve to realise they were being used.

She wanted to perform a full body binding hex and just leave her here to slowly starve to death, but why risk someone finding her?

She eyed her ring, and so did Bella.

"Th-that's Celeste's ring, where did you get that?"

Well there was one mystery solved.

"And how were you going to get Mr Potter to fall in love with you, hmmm? What you girls always fail to understand is that it is not physical attraction that makes us fall in love. What happens when you get old and wrinkly and your looks fade? What happens when you're just a shell and your beloved husband is faced with someone ugly with no personality? He leaves you for someone half your age Bella, trust me I've seen it."

She stepped away from Bella and pointed to her with the finger that bore the ring.

"Kill!"

The Gnomes scuttled out from their hiding places, teeth bared and wearing tiny identical masks of greed.

She watched them rip into Bella with immense satisfaction. She watched them rip out her tongue first so she couldn't scream, then they went to town on the rest of her.

When it was all over she breathed in the smell of the blood. She would have to find a way to clean this up, she didn't have the spiders this time.

Then she heard a noise behind her.

Turning around, she saw it was Raven and Arnold.

Fuck.


	6. Raven, messenger of death

"Bella! NOOOO!" Arnold screamed and fell to his knees sobbing like a little bitch. "Alas, I should have foreseen this! Once against I feel the cruelty of life, as yet again destiny tears away my last hope for love or happiness!"

Raven rolled her eyes and Alex saw her pull out a silver whistle that had been hanging around her neck on a chain.

Raven put the whistle to her _"blood red lips"_ and a _"pure crystal note rang across the forest."_

Then the noise began.

It started off as a faint humming but grew louder and louder until the forest was filled with screaming, hooting monkeys. Winged monkeys, to be exact. They all wore black, spiked collars and had _"razor sharp fangs like daggers of death." _Alex threw her arms over her head and ducked, but then she realised the monkeys had not come for her.

A few monkeys grabbed Arnold by his shirt, while a few others grabbed him by his pants. The remaining monkeys grabbed his arms, hair and legs and they flew off with their prize hotting with victory.

"So…"

"So?" Raven _"arched her perfectly sculpted eyebrow"._

"So, what are they going to do to him?" Alex asked in a bored tone.

Raven shrugged.

"Rape him, probably."

A few seconds passed in an awkward silence before Raven spoke again.

"So, you're the slayer. Hiding amongst the student, clever. Of course, not everyone thinks there's a slayer around. But the others don't really notice when other sues disappear, less competition the way they see it."

"So, who's side are you on?" Alex asked. If Raven had wanted her dead, she would have set the monkeys on her. Then Raven said the last thing that she had been expecting.

"I want to join you."

"What? I thought you said…"

"I know, I said I didn't want to spend eternity fighting some war. But, that was before I saw what these girls do. That's not really Harry and Draco back there, they're just robots that look like them. It's not love if you change everything about them. Those things aren't healthy. If I fall in love Alex, it's going to be with a real man, a real flawed man who loves me for who I am, not a perfect robot reading a script. It's not real if he only loves you because he's programmed to."

"Welcome aboard." Alex shook her hand. Normally she would have been suspicious, but Raven had always seemed like the less suish one of the lot, and she'd been having doubts about the sue way of life for a while. And when all's said and done, Alex could see her transforming before her eyes. Her _"soulless black eyes"_ where now dark brown, her _"blood red lips"_ were now thanks to lipstick. Her hair became more bushy, her jaw more square and she saw a pimple or two erupt on her forehead. Her shoulders widened and fat grew around her stomach and thighs.

"You do realise we'll have to kill Gwen." Raven told her once the transformation was complete.

"Because she's unnaturally perky?" Alex asked.

"Because she was best friends with Ariel. She won't fight with us if she knows that you killed her. And trust me, she'll find out eventually."

"Good point. So, any suggestions?"

Raven's reply made her grin.

Gwen's eyes fluttered open.

Oh what a glorious day! Every say was a perfect day when you where Mary Sue: Gwendolyn Mary Poppins Alice Rosalie Bella Swan Julie Andrews Simba Narla Esme Dumbledore Malfoy!

In a particular joyous mood, she lifted her arms and sang a happy song, her snowy owl Luna landed on her shoulder and hooted softly.

"The hilllssss are aliiiivve with the sound of…ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG!"

She screamed when something reached out from under the bed, grabbing her ankle. She fell to the floor and dug her hands into the carpet as the hand tried to pull her under.

"Oh Alex, you're here! Thank goodness! Help me!"

Alex smirked.

Gwen continued to shriek and wail as Raven pulled her under the bed and gave her a good dose of horse tranquilisers.

Raven crawled out from under the bed and heaved Gwen over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

"Lets do this!" Alex and Raven high-fived.

When Gwen's "pure crystal orbs" opened next, she was hanging upside down from the ceiling! Below her, Fluffy watched her, all three of his heads watched her with anticipation, his tail wagged.

"You know, this brings back memories of a sue I killed in Middle Earth." It was Alex! Had she come to save her?

"How?" And Raven! Oh wonderful! They had arrived just in time!

"I pushed her into Mount Doom."

"Oh thanks goodness you're here! Please, untie me before they return!"

"Oh I'm afraid you're not going anywhere, sweetie." Alex smirked.

"Sorry Gwen," Raven grimaced. "But this had to happen."

"B-but why?" Gwen sobbed.

Alex sighed.

"My name is Agent Arganough, I work for the SSU."

"The SSU?" Gwen gasped, thought she had no idea what that was, it must have been something bad.

"Sue Slayers United, dipshit." Raven snorted.

"Oh Raven, were you a Mary Sue slayer working undercover in the academy?"

"I wish. No, I just got sick of your lot and your deluded bullshit. So I'm going to join the SSU."

"Noo! Please! Don't kill me! I can change! I'll… Gwen sniffled as she prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice. "Become ugly!"

"Noo, see that's not going to happen. And you know why?" She could hear the anticipation in Alex's voice, she wanted to kill her.

"Why?" Gwen sobbed. Anything, to forestall her execution.

Alex leaned in until her lips brushed Gwen's ear.

"I killed Ariel," she whispered and Gwen screamed.

"Nooo! That can't be true!"

Alex laughed. "Oh you should have seen it Gwen! She cried, just like you are now." Then Alex put on a high pitched voice. "But whyyy? Wahaaaaa!"

Gwen straightened her shoulders (or as well as she could, hanging upside down) and straightened her chin.

"I shall never join you! Nor shall I reveal any of the Mary sue secrets, long live Celestina Windbreaker!" She sniffed.

Alex shrugged and moved over to a large leaver on the wall. "Suit yourself."

"Wait!"Gwen shrieked and Alex paused. "I know how to defeat the Queen!"

"You mean Celeste?" Raven asked.

Gwen nodded. "You have to pierce her heart-stone to kill her, if you don't she will return to life!"

"How do you know this?" Raven narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"She told us about it when she was bragging about all the slayers she had killed, she said that she could never die unless the slayers pierced her heart-stone!"

"Tell us more about the heart-stone." Alex demanded, her hand hovering above the leaver. "Tell us, and I won't kill you."

"It's the stone that resides in her heart, the fairies gave it to her when she was a baby. She cannot be killed unless it is destroyed. So, will you take me with you? Please! Celeste will kill me if I stay here!"

Alex shrugged. "We'll see." And then she pulled the leaver and Gwen fell into Fluffy's gaping maw.

"So, who's Celestina Windbreaker?" Alex asked.

"She's the goddess of Mary Sues."

The two new friends watched the three heads shake Gwen's body like a chew toy with immense satisfaction.

"You know what Alex? I think I could learn to enjoy this."


	7. Expose to Mary sues kills brain cells

"So who's up next?" Alex asked. "You know who all the sues are."

"It's weird that most of the Gryffindor sues have been killing themselves out of stupidity, but I can't say I'm surprised. None of the sues signed themselves up for Hufflepuff, but there are a few Ravenclaw sues."

"Ravenclaw?" Alex asked.

"Since Cho Chang was in Ravenclaw, and the Beaubaton students ate at their table during Goblet of Fire, it gave some fans the idea that Ravenclaw is full of pretty girls. And it's really the only alternative to Gryffindor and Slytherin as far as the sues are concerned. There are a few original character in Hufflepuff, but none of them sues. Just ordinary characters like what you where pretending to be."

"So how many in Ravenclaw?" Alex asked.

"A few," Raven replied. "But we have to act quickly, the other sues are starting to get suspicious. I told them I was accidently splashed with an ugly potion and none of them are talking to me. There's one now." She pointed to another section of the library where a girl with "hair like golden starlight" and "blue sparkling eyes like stars in the midday sun." She was staring off into the distance like she was day dreaming.

"She's Zelda Honeydew Moonshine."

"Tragic past?" Alex braced herself.

"Actually, no." Raven assured her. "Her brother is in a band called Wizz Fizz."

Alex giggled and Raven continued.

"He's very famous and she sings with them when she has the time. I don't mind Zelda, she's not a bitch or anything, just a little self absorbed. Also, she's part Veela."

Then Zelda leaped from her chair and "her light steps where so graceful it would make a ballerina cry."

"She can also talk to unicorns."

"What is with Sues and unicorns?" Alex muttered. "Who's her target?"

"Professor Binns."

"Wait, what?" Alex half choked. "What the hell? Binn's never had any fan girls!"

Raven shrugged. "Apparently he used to be hot when he was alive and she's going to invent a magic spell to restore him to his youthful self."

"That's…that's twisted. My money says he was the nerdy kid that no one wanted to talk to because he's so bloody boring."

"In other words, Percy Westly."

"Weasley." Alex corrected.

"Whatever. Hey Alex, will I get to keep my animagus powers?"

"As long as it fits in cannon rules. How did you learn?"

"My mum taught me when I was a kid," Raven confessed.

"That's not too bad. Illegal, but not against the laws of reality." Alex told her. "You'd be surprised how many fanfiction writers think it's easy just because the marauders managed it, never mind James and Sirius were the best in their year and it took them three years."

"Alex!" Tobey rushed up.

"Wait, Tobey. What's happening?" Alex asked while Tobey caught his breathe.

"It-It's Lavender. The shy girl sue that's been hanging around Neville. Something's wrong."

"Is that a bad thing?" Alex asked.

"Alex, she's hardly a sue at all. We can't justify not bringing her in for rehab."

"Alright, lead away."

Lavender Merryweather was in the hospital wing, sweating and panting while Neville held her hand.

"It hurts," the girl whimpered.

"Oh crap." The truth dawned on Alex pretty quickly.

"What?" Tobey freaked out. Alex was starting to wonder if Tobey had been spending his time socialising rather than hunting.

"Tobey get some towels, Lavender spread your legs and bring them closer to your chest. She's going into labour."

"But-but she, I mean we never…" Poor Neville looked like he was going to faint.

"Then prepare for the second coming of Christ, and where the hell is Tobey with those towels?"

Madam Pomfery swooped down them.  
"I assure you young lady, the situation is quite under control."

Lavender screamed and there was a torrent of blood that would put Bella Swan's birth scene in Breaking Dawn to shame. As they all stared at the empty bloody shell that had once been their friend, they could not believe the horrible mutant thing she had spawned.

Hey, just like Breaking Dawn!

Lavender Joy Merryweather had died giving birth to a cactus. A screaming, yodelling cactus.

Aside from cheating on Neville with his Mimbulus Mimbletonia, there was no other explanation Alex could think of, and even that one didn't make sense. Neville looked like he was to be sick, and no one complained when Raven picked up the yodelling cactus and beat it to death against the wall.

Tobey dragged Alex outside.

"Tell me you didn't have anything to do with this!"

"I didn't," she replied. "Honestly Tobey, I never planned on killing Lavender."

He crossed his arms like he didn't believe her.

"We even could have left her here, sueness and all. She wasn't hurting anyone."

"Fine, if you say so."

Alex and Raven were on their way to potions.

"Is it just me? Or do we have potions twice a day for no reason?" Alex asked.

"No idea. Same reason the hospital wing has private rooms."

Then Alex felt a wand at her throat. She slowly turned around.

"Arnold?"

There stood Arnold, his hair scruffy, his clothes torn and he was covered in many cuts and scratches.

"You!" he screamed, his voice high pitched like a eunuch.

"Hey Raven, did those moneys eat his…"

"You killed Bella!" Arnold interrupted her before Alex could use a word that would rise this fic way beyond pg-13.

Alex blinked. What the hell?

"I'll kill you!" He screeched like an angry parrot and leaped at her.

He fell on her punching and kicking, but then someone pulled him off her.

"Thanks Raven."

"Actually, it wasn't me." Raven confessed.

It was then that Alex caught sight of her true hero, holding Arnold over his head and shaking him like a terrier with a rat.

"Deamus?" Alex squinted.

"A true gentleman never hits a lady," he said calmly.

"She killed Bella!" Arnold chocked.

"Bella's death was an accident, rabid gnomes." Alex told him. "I tried to save her," she summoned up a few fake tears. "But I was too late! Oh poor Bella!" She sobbed a little for dramatic effect.

"There there Alex," Deamus was patting her shoulder. Arnold lay unconscious against the wall. "I know you did all you could."

The funny thing was, if her story had been true, this really would have been comforting. He was wearing jeans and a tight black shirt, why did sues never follow the school dress code? And was it fair for him to be so good looking?

"Thanks sunshine, you really saved my arse."

He grinned, like a dog getting praise.

"Anything for a damsel in distress!" Then suddenly he seemed to get shy. "Would you like to, maybe get together later?"

It was almost cute, like a genuine guy asking a girl out and not knowing how she would react, not a sue/stu knowing that their crush would feel the same way.

"Sure thing sweetie." She found herself staring into his eyes like an idiot, never mind that he was technically young enough to be her son. Then just to mess with him, she kissed him on the cheek. His grin widened.

"Catch ya later gorgeous," she winked at him.

"You do realise he thinks you're in love with him now." Raven told her as they turned and walked away.

"Whatever, not my problem. You know, it's a good thing Shean is his middle name, as a first name it would make him sound like a furniture polish. And where the hell were _you_, missy?"

"Trying to remember the spell that would make his nuts disappear."

"I think the monkeys already took care of that," Alex told her sniggering.

They were all sitting in potions when the door blew open dramatically. In stepped two similar figures.

"Ohhh crap."

"What the fuck?" Raven hissed.

"It's Hermione-sue! Well the one on the left is, no idea who the other girl is."

"I'm Hermione's cousin from America!" The other sue announced to everyone. Instead of her trademark bushy-brown hair, Hermione's hair was stylishly crimped like it was in the movies. Both girls had massive breasts larger than their heads and slender bodies, like a stick with a few balloon tied on. Their eyes were huge and the colour unnatural. Hermione's eyes where now green, but rather than natural green they where an unnatural shade, like if someone used the paint bucket function in a Windows Paint program. The overall effect was a little sickening.

Her cousin had similar hair, but her eyes were bright blue.

"My name is Andromida May West!" The unnatural creature screeched in a fowl voice. "But you can call me Andi!"

"Hey Andi!" Hermione-sue called loudly.

"What?" Andi spun around too quickly, smacking Hermione-sue in the head with her massive tits and she fell over.

Then the true horror began.

"We're sick of this abuse!" Hermione-sue's boobs screamed. "What the hell where you thinking, you stupid woman!" Then everyone watched in horror as they stretched up like swollen tentacles from a Japanese horror movie and beat her to death. Then she exploded, leaving a puddle of goo.

"I think I speak for everyone," Alex croaked. "When I say what the fuck was that?"

"That is the most messed up thing I have ever seen," Raven looked like she about to pass out. "There are no words for it."

"I know. Seriously, what the 'effing crap was that. The girl was suffocated with her own boobs."

"I thought she was beaten to death," Raven muttered.

"I think it was a little bit of both." Alex went a little green. "Seriously, I've killed a lot of people but this is a bit much, even for me."

Then everyone looked ahead calmly like nothing had happened. Raven and Alex both looked like they where going to throw up. Andi, however, had survived the fatal funbags of death and glided over to a cauldron.

Snape skipped into the room like a little girl while pink glittery chalk wrote instructions on the board.

"Today we are learning how to create the essence of fun!" Snape giggled.

"I say it again," Alex whispered. "What the effing crap?"

The students obeyed dumbly. Alex and Raven added their ingredients gingerly, afraid of what would happen.

"Argggggg!' Andi screamed. Instead of turning rainbow coloured, her potion had turned into a green gunk that had congealed at the bottom of her cauldron. She pocked it with her wand and the gunk shrank away while making a horrible gargling sound. The gunk slunk out of the cauldron and ran around the room and then cowered in the corner like a scared dog. Then the gunk rushed toward Andi and flung itself onto her face. She ran around screaming and then fell on the floor and stopped breathing.

"Boob of death!" Alex screamed at Raven and then they both collapsed into giggles. "That reminds me, I have to find Tobey and tell him you've switched sides, I didn't get a chance earlier. He seems to think I've done a lousy job as far as rehab is concerned."

"He wasn't in class?" Raven asked.

"No, that's a little weird. And, lyke, what was up with Snape?"

"I don't know," Raven replied. "Wait, did you just say lyke?"

"No I didn't," Alex said defensively. "But I've noticed things have been getting a little weird lately, like the grass outside isn't grass anymore, just that fake plastic stuff they use on cheap mini-golf courses. And the layout of the castle keeps changing too. And the school had a lot of random broom cupboards for no reason."

"But there aren't any actual brooms in them since the Mary sues use them for sex."

Alex shuddered.

"You know how sues use their power to rearrange reality?" Alex asked. "Like with the hospital wing? Maybe it's got something to do with that."

"Could be," Raven agreed.

Suddenly, an enormous eagle owl flew onto Alex's shoulder and held its leg out. Alex untied the letter the bird bore. It took off, scratching her shoulder in the process.

Meet me at the top of the astronomy tower at midnight, and bring that traitorous bitch with you.

It was unsigned.

"Celeste." Raven said simply. "I'd know her fancy handwriting anywhere, only Celeste used glittery pink gel pens and dots the i's with hearts. And by 'that traitorous bitch' I'm assuming she means me. Shit, Celeste is smarter than the average sue. She's always been smarter. She's the worst kind of sue Alex, she's not in love with either Harry or Draco but she's with them anyway just to show up the others. She has both guys completely devoted to her, and she tells them she loves them more than anything else in the world but she's cheating with both of them. She's aware that what she's doing is wrong and she's doing it anyway just to prove that she can. I say let's do it."

The first thing Alex did was call headquarters.

"Kay, come in Kay. We have a hostage situation."

"Arganough? I was just about to call you."

"One of the sues has Tobey, a Queen Sue. And why where you going to call me?"

"We need to get you out of the ASAP, the whole dimension is starting to get shaky, though the presence of a queen explains that."

"Slow down Kay, what are you talking about?"

"The sues use their powers to manipulate the universe any way they want. When too many sues occupy one dimension the whole universe overdoses on that power and reality unravels. If you don't get out soon, well you don't want to be in a reality when it collapses. If we get you out, any sues still occupying that world will die."

"Well shit. And Harry Potter?"

"He'll be fine. Once a universe collapses, it rebuilds itself and Rowling's story will pick up where it left off before the sues interfered. Everything usually rights itself but everything that doesn't belong in that world dies off. All the sues die, but it'll kill any slayers and innocent fan fiction characters so we're not too crazy about the idea."

Then Alex told him everything Gwen told her about Celeste's heart-stone.

"You think the sue was telling the truth?" Kay asked.

"It would explain why so many hunters died going after her."

"If you can bring us some of her DNA we'll do a background check."

Unlike human genes, sue DNA could tell a hunter their whole history, all the worlds they had been in and all the characters they had played. With a girl like Celeste, it could be useful.

"Sure thing Kay."

"Normally I'd send an army of slayers in after her, but I can't with the dimension so unstable."

"So what are our options Kay?"

Kay paused before continuing. "We can pull you out now and leave Tobey, or you can take her on by yourself and risk her killing you, or risk dying when the dimension collapses."

Letting Tobey die would be convenient, especially since he'd been threatening to make her life uncomfortable with his morals. But she couldn't do it, he was just a kid. As a vampire she hadn't cared about lives taken, but children? She had never hurt children. Try as she might, she couldn't see Tobey as expendable, the way she used to see humans. And she couldn't leave without killing Celeste. A queen sue had the power to dimension jump, if she knew the world was about to end she could jump somewhere else.

"I'm going to do my best Kay," she replied. "And I won't be alone, I have Raven with me. One of the sues switched sides."

"Now's not the time to play the hero, no one will think less of you if we pull you out now."

"How much time to I have Kay?"

"It's close, at the rate it's going I doubt the dimension will last another day."

"Well Celeste challenged me to a duel at midnight, hopefully I'll have Tobey back some time after that."

"Arganough," there was the sound of Kay breathing out. "Be careful."

Then he hung up.

Alex explained everything to Raven.

"And that's why Mary sue slayers are so necessary, too many Mary sues causes the word to collapse and that's what we try to prevent."

"Shit, reality itself is breaking down? That explains everything. The weird grass, Lavender giving birth to a cactus, Hermy-sue and Andi looking more like aliens than people and Hermy-sue getting beaten to death by her own implants. Well I guess we'll finish this bitch and try to get out of here before the world ends. I wish we'd been able to get a stab at Zelda though."

Alex spent the rest of the day teaching Raven what she could about sue slaying, their attempts to track down Celeste had come to nothing.

Around about eight they made their way to Gryffindor house to try and track down Celeste, when Deamus came out of the portrait.

"Alex!" His face lit up "You came!"

"Yeah, sure. Have you seen Celeste?"

"Celeste?" he asked, confused and almost sad like he was disappointed that she hadn't come for the sole purpose of jumping him and doing him in one of the many broom/sex cupboards laying around.

"She, I need to talk to her." She didn't have to fake a sad tone to her voice. Shit, this is what happens when you stay human for too long.

"Did she hurt you?" he came closer. Real tears welled up in her eyes and she felt his arm go around her. When had she cried last? Even when she was human she hated crying.

"She has Tobey, she's going to hurt him."

"Tobey?"

"My brother. He's in the same house as you."

Their cover said they were siblings, that way no one would get suspicious or get the wrong idea if they where seen spending a lot of time together.

"Normally I would ask why, but I know Celeste. She hurts people because she can."

Alex saw a sign of intelligence in him that hadn't been there before, like Raven, he was changing. He was still a stu, just more human. She hated to take advantage of his "knight in shining armour" tendencies.

Wait, did she? She hadn't cared before. Then she realised. Tobey reminded her of her real flesh-and-blood brother, the one she had lost when she was eighteen. Thinking of Tobey in danger took her back to a time before she was a killer, before she was a vampire. Back when she was human and even further back, before she was involved in crime at all. Tobey made her remember what it was like to be human and for a moment, when Deamus kissed her, she was the girl she used to be rather than the monster she had become.

She kissed him back, loving his smell, his taste and she finally understood why canon character grew so attached to the sues they loved even after a short time, and why even evil characters changed after meeting them. Maybe Deamus was working his Gary Stu magic on her, or maybe it was just reality unravelling itself, but at that moment she had stopped caring.

The first earthquake broke them apart.

"Deamus?"

"What happened?"

The castle shook again.

"Alex! It's happening!" Raven called over the sound of students screaming.

"What's happening?" Deamus asked.

"Basically, the world's ending," she told him. "And we have to stop Celeste."

He nodded. "Where and when?"

"Midnight, astronomy tower."

"That's now."

"What? It was eight just a minute ago."

"I guess anti-reality does have its advantages." Raven shrugged. "No tedious waiting around."

It was like a story itself, the way a scene could skip months ahead without showing all the middle parts.

"We have no guarantee spells will even work properly the rate things are going." Raven muttered as she looked at the overweight, bearded, chain-smoking man in drag that had replaced the fat lady portrait. "Hell, I'm surprised gravity still works."

Another earthquake rocked the castle.

"We have to hurry, Alex! We don't have much time!"

"I'll go ahead," Deamus told her. "No arguing Alex, I'll stall her."

Alex and Raven rushed after him but he soon lost them.

"What's this, may I offer assistance noble ladies?"

"Sir Cadogan?" Alex addressed the portrait.

"At your service," the stout knight bowed.

Alex was about to ask about Deamus when Raven cut her off.

"Have you seen a girl go into the tower, long blonde hair, and pale skin. We're looking for Celeste."

"Arg, that's the wench everyone's been talking about," he scowled. "And aye, she's been through here."

"Did he just turn Scottish?" Alex whispered and Raven shrugged right before the castle shook again.

"We are on a noble quest to…defeat this fowl villain." Alex felt her patience coming to and end. She needed to save Tobey, Deamus had probably gotten himself into some deep shit and the end of the world combined with Deamus's stu power was turning her into a soft-hearted lady.

"Tally Hoooo!" Sir Tubby took off on his pony while Alex and Raven struggled to keep up.

When the girls reached the top of the tower, they saw Deamus standing in front of Celeste.

"Deamus?"

Then he fell to the floor and Celeste wiped her bloody knife on his shirt.

"Deamus!"

"No sense in letting lover-boy get in the way."

"Where the hell is Tobey you hopeless bitch?" It was then that Alex realised just how unprepared they were. It was hard to win a head on fight with an ordinary sue, let alone a queen sue.

Celeste gestured outside where Tobey was hovering, locked in a crystal prism.

"I knew you where a sue slayer after that Ariel bitch disappeared. People said she was last seen going into the forest with Draco even though he'd been in common room all day."

The castle trembled slightly.

"And _you_ traitor," Celeste pointed to Raven. "I knew what you had become the moment you came back from the forest, I knew you had turned. No sue turns unless it's what they want."

"This isn't so bad Celeste," Raven told her. "Being ordinary. Being a sue was like playing a computer game but knowing all the cheats. It made things easier but when you can have all you want without working for it, it stops being fun. Then it's just pointless. Wouldn't you like to fall in and out of love like an ordinary person? The love at first sight thing is over rated."

"I'd rather be _dead_ than ordinary," Celeste spat. "And after I kill you two bitches everything will go back to normal."

"Are you mad?" Raven screeched. "Celeste, the whole bloody place is falling apart!"

As if to prove her point, the castle shook against and bits of the ceiling fell down.

"I know you are lying to save yourselves." Alex searched the room for the gnomes, but they where nowhere to be found. In fact, they hadn't been following her since the forest.

Alex stepped forward.

"Aha!" Celeste pointed her rosewood and unicorn hair wand outside. "One step closer and he gets it!"

Then a chunk of rock fell from the ceiling and Celeste looked up. Raven used her distraction as a chance to take flight in her animagus form and flew at her face, aiming for her eyes. At the same time, Alex aimed a low sweeping kick at Celeste's feet. Celeste muttered a body binding curse at Alex, then swatted Raven away and sent her flying into a wall.

Celeste walked casually over to Alex and slipped the ring off her finger.  
"I'll take this back, thank you. I wonder how you got it."

"Summer," Raven croaked. She was human again, through had trouble moving, feeling dizzy.

Celeste shrugged.

"The gnomes…."

"The curse of the ring is broken the moment it is used to spill blood."

"But that doesn't make sense, it was Summer who changed the spell so that the Gnomes would take orders."

Celeste paused.

"Oh, speaking of our friend Summer. It turns out she wasn't quite dead when Alex and the boy dropped her into the lake. She came charging into the girl's dorm saying that Alex and Tobey were sue slayers and were responsible for all the mysterious disappearances."

Then Alex remembered how she and Tobey had discussed their kills while carrying Summer's body to the lake.

_Oh shit_

"But you said you knew after Ariel…"

"Summer just confirmed what I already suspected. After Ariel disappeared I suspected we had a slayer amongst us, but in a school with about a thousand students it was impossible to tell who it was. I had to finish Summer of course, she was starting to turn. Turn into a traitor like you." She glared at Raven. Alex regretted killing Summer, if she hadn't Summer could be here now, helping them against Celeste.

"Who knows, maybe I will teach here one day. Transfiguration of course. And I may even become head of Gryffindor. It's in the blood after all," she eyed the crest on her ring. "Just like my great-great—great something grandfather."

Celeste strolled over to Alex like a woman with all the time in the world and placed her shoe on her throat.

"Avada-ark!"

Deamus had jumped up and grabbed Celeste around the neck, trying to pull her down. It was a like a bad action movie, how a hero could get shot in the leg but do backflips in the next scene without bleeding everywhere.

"Give it up you trashy bitch."

"When will you die! And why are you defending her, she's a slayer! She kills people like us! I always knew you were _slow_ Deamus but _god!_"

"Alex wouldn't hurt me."

"Oh wouldn't she? She was going to kill you, you know."

"Alex?" he looked a little sad. "Is this true?" He looked at Alex like he was expecting a reply.

"In the hospital wing, she was going to smother you in your sleep."

Raven un-hexed Alex while Deamus had Celeste distracted.

"It's not true, Deamus. I mean, yes. I was supposed to kill you." Her mind worked quickly, or what was left of it. It wasn't hard either, the turn-bad-guys-good sue magic was working in her favour for once. "But that was before I got to know you. Before I found out what a nice, wonderful guy you really are."

"So you love me?"

"She doesn't love you!" Celeste screamed. Then she tried seduction instead. "Come with me, Deamus. It's true I already have a few men but I could always do with another. You can never have too much of a good thing. And if these girls are right and this world is ending, then we can get away and be together for all time."

"Love doesn't work like that Deamus. It's not an instant thing, it builds over time and that's what separates us from the sues. But given time and if we got to know each other, then yes. I could love you. And you know that's true. I wouldn't have said "give me time" if I were lying. If I were lying to you I'd feed you the love at first sight crap that sues spew up for their crush like mama bird feeding her clutch."

Well, in her own way. Alex didn't know if she could truly love once she was back to her normal self, but she could certainly grow fond of him.

"She's right, Celeste. It doesn't work like that."

"You bitch!" Celeste screamed and threw a knife at Alex. Time seemed to slow down, Alex tried to dive out of the way but she wasn't fast enough to stop the knife from bring itself in her leg.

"Alex!"

"Shit." As the blood flowed, it was then that Alex realised that the body has some pretty major arteries going through the leg. "Crap."

She fell back. The room was spinning and everything went blurry. She thought it may have been her injury, but then the castle groaned like it was pulling itself apart.

"Alex! It's happening!" Raven called. "This is it! We need to get out!"

Deamus was holding Celeste captive, he managed to grab a knife she was aiming at Raven and was pressing it against her neck.

"Move, and you'll die!"

"She'll die anyway!" Raven called above the noise. As the fabric of reality unravelled, they all heard a high sound that was almost like a "ringing in your ears" sound only much louder and painful to hear. "This whole place is falling apart! Anything still left in here dies!"

"Get Alex out! I'll hold Celeste."

"Deamus, no!"

"It's the only way!"

"I'm sure there's another way that doesn't involve you killing yourself!" Raven argued.

After that, everything went fuzzy for Alex.

"Damn it Alex, wake up." She heard quiet muttering.

Deamus? No, it was a British accent.

Kay?

But she couldn't wake up. She could hear his voice, though it felt like the rest of her was wrapped in a numb cloud.

Then she felt the pain.

"Ow, god-dam it!" She sat up a little too quickly and immediately felt dizzy.

"Welcome back Agent Arganough." She heard Mac's voice. She looked around and realised she was in the medical wing back at headquarters.

"How long have I been out?"

"A while," Kay replied smiling.

"You weren't worried about me were you?" Then she realised she was still a sixteen year old human. "No offense, but when can I get back to my normal blood-sucking self?"

Then she saw their grim expressions.

"Wait, where's Raven?"

"I'm fine Alex, and it's Agent Keller now." Raven came in.

"Keller?"

"It's my real last name, not the one I used at the sue academy. My real first name is Helen, but I can keep Raven as a nickname. Mac here says it's common enough."

"Helen Keller?" Alex grinned. "Are you serious?"

"Shut up, it's a family name."

"Well congrats, Raven. But how come you didn't have to go through training?"

Mac and Kay both burst out laughing.

"Agent Keller was a sue, she's now the greatest expert we've got. And what an accomplishment that was." Mac grinned. "Even when a sue rehabilitates, we've never had one actually switch sides."

"I managed to get a hold of some of Celeste's hair," Raven told her. "According to the labs, her most recent world beside Hogwarts, was middle earth. She had a sister there called Princess Starr."

"Shit, the one I threw into Mount Doom?"

"One and the same. Starr was a queen sue too. Turns out all queen sues have heart-stones and that's what makes them so tough. Starr's heart stone was destroyed in the volcano so we don't have to worry about her coming back."

"Well at least Celeste is dead." Alex sat back.

Everyone else traded looks.

"What? What don't I know?"

"Alex," Kay said sadly. "Celeste jumped. Right before the dimension closed."

"Shit, so Deamus sacrificed himself for nothing?"

He was a nice guy, he hadn't deserved to die. But that was life, innocent people weren't immune to fate or random accidents. It was something she was all too aware of. In her past, it wasn't only criminal deaths that she had been responsible for.

"Tobey?" Alex asked.

"We don't know." Kay shrugged. "We're hoping he wasn't in the dimension when it closed, but there's a very big chance that's what happened."

"So he could be dead?"

"Anyone caught in a closing dimension gets shoved into the place between worlds, the place that allows cross-dimensional travel to be possible."

"You mean here? This place? Where the headquarters is built?"

"A place like it. It's a horrible existence, like being locked in a white room for all eternity. The lucky ones will find a way out and escape to other worlds."

"But Deamus had a gaping side wound when everything went kablewy," Raven finished.

"Could Celeste have taken Tobey with her?" Alex asked. "Which world did she go to?"

"That's your next mission, Alex." Mac handed her a folder. "If you choose it. It's pointless to send another Agent after Celeste given you have a history. And we're assigning Agent Keller as your partner. It was foolish of us to leave you alone with a rookie in the first place."

"Of course I'll do it. Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something? Ohhh crap!" She smacked her forehead. "Sirius! Tobey always took care of him! I didn't want to leave the rookie on his own."

"Celeste killed him," Raven told her. "She killed him when she kidnapped Tobey."

"Poor little guy," she sniffled. "Goddam it, can I get restored already? These human emotions are giving me the shits."

Mac and Raven left.

"Read the file," Kay tapped the manila envelope in her hands. "Sensitivity to sunlight won't help you were you're headed. He was no good for you, you know."

"Who? Deamus?"

Kay smirked.

"It's good to have you back Alex. I thought we were going to lose you for a while there, you lost quite a bit of blood."

"The lengths I have to go to, to get you to call me Alex…" She grinned.

"Read." He ordered. She saluted him sarcastically and when she flipped through the file she grinned.

This was going to be fun.

Alex didn't know where her life was headed, but there were three things she was sure about. Deamus was dead, she was back to her bad self and she had a very large fish to fry in the form of Celeste.

It was time to kill some sues.

And so ends Mary sue slayer: Hogwarts edition. Stay tuned for The death of Mary sue 3; Pirates of the Caribbean. Alex and Raven unite forces to track down Celeste and Tobey while carving their way through the Mary sue pirate horde.

See you next time!


End file.
